Mom

I’m happy to see friends settling down and having their own families. I admire women who aren’t afraid to bear children and raise them. Coz, I’m afraid.

Am I afraid to be a mom? I don’t know. Probably, I just don’t see myself as one. Probably, I want to do other things. Probably, I want a different thing. Probably, I want a different path.

Some women feel the urgency to be a mom. That they see themselves incomplete without having one.

But can I be a mother in a different form? Can I be a mother to my students? I can be married to teaching? Can I find my worth through studying? 

They said that the essense of a woman is to bear a child, to be a mom. 

So, how about those who have hostile uterus? How about those who dedicated themselves to their career? How about those who married their passion? How about the old maids who weren’t given a chance to have one?

Are they women without value? Are they women without essence? 

WHY?

Do I have to prove ny worth as a woman? Does it make me less of a person not bearing a child?

Career

I feel like I wasn’t able to maximize my potentials. 
I never want to blame anyone but parents do have a big role in one’s life specially when it comes to reaching one’s dreams. 
When I was in high school, I wanted to take up Psychology and become a teacher but during that time Nursing was a booming steppingstone to work abroad. So, my mom and other relatives got too excited for me to take the course hence I did.

Still, I have a heart for teaching. While taking up the course, I imagined myself as a clinical instructor or a lecturer without realizing that I must first be in the field to be able to teach. Something, I’m half-hearted to do.

“Is this what I really want?” I always asked myself at night.

During that time, there was a surplus of nurses in our country which I already expected to happen but didn’t follow my guts for I just want to follow my mom. 
So, I ended up like the others. I had different BPO jobs. I worked as a medical transcriptionist and as a customer service representative. I gained a few things, mostly friends. I also had the luxury to take some units to qualify as a secondary teacher which I did.
I am now a qualified Secondary Teacher in our country. Having a license in teaching, I ventured in a nontraditional way of teaching, online.
Firstly, at that time I want to know if I was still of becoming a psychology teacher but through my personal evaluation I decided not to pursue and focus on the field that in a way I was already enjoying.

I became an online English teacher to students of English as a foreign language. I have been in the industry for a few years now.

I am going to upgrade my credentials and be a qualified English Teacher. I’m scared because this time, it’s only I who decided for myself. Also, I’m not that young to experiment and to say at least I don’t have “what ifs.”

Now, I want to pursue what I really want. I still ended up in the field of education. Yes! I’m not a classroom based type teacher but  I want to learn and do more. 

Experience different cultures, academies and schools. Meet different perspectives and formulate ways to enhance myself of becoming the best teacher that I can be. It doesn’t mean to be the best among the others being a mediocre teacher but at my best is totally what I want.

I know there are a lot outthere who have the same battle. 

We always want to please the people around us because we never want them to be broken without realizing that it’s our lives. It’s your own life. Sometimes, making other hearts not suffer inflicts injuries on our own.

You will always have that eagerness to pursue what you really want in your life. The earlier you realize it the better.

I hope, everyone gets a chance to do what they want, to be successful and passionate in whatever they are doing because it’s their hearts’ desire.

I hope that I would be able to conquer whatever hindrances I have to endure and to maximize my potentials. 

Right now, I’ll work towards them. I’m scared but I would do it anyway.

Dear Other Self

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Sabi ni Becky sa movie,  “Gusto ko magtravel habang bata pa ko”. Tapos, supportive naman yung tatay niya at sinabi na, “Sige, gawin mo kung ano gusto mo.”

Ewan ko ba, pero never ko talagang pinangarap ang magtravel around the world. Ang boring ko yata. Pero, kanya-kanyang buhay, kanya-kanyang pangarap. At life is a matter of choice. Kanya kanyang trip, kanya kanyang desisyon.

Sabi sa movie, “Filipinos can’t just quit their jobs and leave everything behind.”

Minsan, masyado tayong mapagbigay hanggang sa darating sa point na magsisisi tayo na masyado na tayong nagbigay.

Pero sa totoo lang, kailangan mo rin maging madamot ngayon, para mapuno ka bilang tao para pag overflowing ka na, makapagbigay ka na, ng sobra-sobra at hindi ka mauubos. Ideal, malayo sa reality pero hindi imposible.

Kailangan mo lang panindigan ang desisyon mo. Minsan kasi duwag tayo eh na sumubok. Kaya napapasubo na lang tayo na laging harapin lahat ng problema nakaakibat sa ordinary life pero ang totoo, marami pang bagay bukod dun.

Hindi mo naman kailangang pasanin ang lahat ng problema ng pamilya mo. Sa totoo lang, may freedom  ka na gawin ang gusto mo.

Sabi nga ni Becky sa movie, “Pag di ko siya nagawa ngayon, baka hindi ko na siya magawa.”

Buhay mo yan. Hindi ng nanay mo. Hindi ng tatay mo. Hindi ng kapatid mo. Buhay mo iyan. Gawin mo kung anong gusto mo. Dahil ang bawat tao, gagawa at gagawa ng paraan para makasurvive. It’s not your responsibility to be someone else’s oxygen.

Minsan masyado tayong worried pero ang totoo, we should trust the people we love na kaya nila. Dahil kaya talaga nila.

So, ginawa ko today yung gusto ko. Nanuod ako ng movie tapos nasa ibaba yung mga gusto kong line at ang mga ** bago ang side comments ko.

** Most of the time, ang hirap mamili sa dalawang options.

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Chris: Cheesecake o chocolate

Becky: Sex.

Chris: Puso or isip.

Becky: Laging puso

This line: What if hindi nangyari yung moment that changed your life? Asan ka na ngayon?


Ginusto mo yan, kayanin mo.

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When you’re traveling you have to try everything at least once.  Don’t overthink.

Just remember not to be afraid to try new things. **Tama naman, ano pa nga ba ang silbi ng life kung same routine diba? More mistakes, more fun.

Travel changes your perspective.

Who needs a room when you have everything in your bag?

Ang ganda. Sana maalala ko to forever. **Dang, I think, there are really moments that we want to cherish…forever (if there’s such thing!)

If you want to travel the world, this is the only first of many goodbyes.

When you are a solo traveler, wala kang ibang aasahan kundi ang sarili mo. ** In life, it’s really only you and no one else. 🙂


**Yeah! We would always do things for the people we love.

I just can’t leave everything behind.

Kelan kaya yung ako naman?

Wag ka na kasing magtanong.

Ikaw magsabi kung kailan.

Hindi ka marunong humindi.  Pero mabilis kang humindi sa sarili mo.

Alam mo nung umalis ka yung kapatid mo, umayos.  Ginalingan nga! **People would really do things for themselves. 🙂


**In the end, makikita natin yung mga bagay na higit pa sa hinahanap natin and the only thing left to do is to share it to the world.

Ang sarap ikwento sa taong nakakaintindi. Kanino ko magse-share?

Chris: Ang laki ng atraso ko sayo.

Becky: Pero you changed my life.

Ang hinahanap ko adventure pero hindi lang yun ang nahanap ko. **When you find something greater than what you’re looking for. So, be ready sa kahit anong surprises ng buhay.

The best part of traveling is coming home.

Marunong na kong  humindi sa iba at umo-o sa sarili ko. ** I love this!


Huling side comment, si Jodi bakit ganun? Parang same character siya sa All You Need is Pag-ibig, Achybreaky Heart hanggang dito sa movie na ito. I want to see a different Jodi sa ibang movie niya.

Misunderstood

Sometimes, you feel angry to a friend who hurt you. Simply, you feel misunderstood. But would never want your friends to understand where you are coming from because if they do it only means that they have experienced the kind of pain that you never wish to happen to anyone.

You still want them to believe in ideal things, a bright future and undying love. That preparing for the said future keeps them going for they serve as a balance and remind you of your old self. That once in your life, you have been too anxious of the future.

As a friend, remind them that no one is in control and whatever plans they have for the future will not turn out perfectly as they planned.

There would always be twists in life. And by that time, wish them to see the gift of living in the now.

Planning is good but should not lead to anxiety. The illusive future is beautiful. But nothing beats how the present takes a breath away.

True, it’s not about the plans but how you enjoy the journey, the people as you reach towards the future that you are hoping for.

You don’t live in the future. Don’t let it control you.

Good Enough

Have you ever felt being left behind? In everything? Career? Personal life? Financially?

Have you ever felt that everyone is moving on with his life and here you are, left behind.

Are you really left behind?

They said, there’s a season.

When?

No one knows.

But today, what are you doing?

Are you doing something that might lead you to not be left behind?

Not by everyone but by the person in your head.

“Huli man daw at magaling, maihahabol din.”

If you feel like you’re not good enough then be good enough.

Be good enough until you convinced yourself that you are good enough.

A Pause in A Walk

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CBTL Brew Your Best Year x Art of Movement

People who have the same intent always find a way to get close together. I never attended any writing workshop and glad to have the first one with Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

The Brew Your Best Year in collaboration with Art of Movement was indeed a great experience. Getting to know new people who have the same passion while having a free coffee and snacks never happens always.

Below is an insight about the experience.

Why are we scared to lose the battle?

If you want it, go for it, even if it breaks you, even if it takes away your life. After all, it is the purpose of existence. It’s a powerful motivation that I keep on telling to myself without realizing that I also need to pause.

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Have you paused today? I have been running for a while now, grasping for air, then here comes the idea of walking.

Walking is associated in everything that we do. We are in a trance of interconnected kaleidoscope. Its’ intricacies of fragmented yet beautiful interconnections, as we maneuver the scope, make the connection vaguely clear. The only thing we could do is to adjust and to appreciate what we clearly see. We have to adjust in order to appreciate what’s in our hand.

Appreciation is a hard-to-define word nowadays for people tend to appreciate the things they don’t have, hence would do any type of maneuvering just to be satisfied with whatever they have. No one is content and no one is perfectly grateful because perfection is boredom.

So we failed to appreciate how perfectly the interconnected intricacies are put together. We failed to see how beautiful life is. We failed to notice the realistic present for we are too excited for the idealism of the future. That we failed to walk today. That we think we should run for we have to finish the marathon faster than the others but it’s exhausting, emotionally draining and spiritually heartbreaking.

Why do we run if all we really need is to walk, to just enjoy the movement of the environment? Why do we have to exhaust ourselves if what we really need is to just breathe?

Today, walking acts as a symbolism of pause. It reminds me that the present serves as an arbiter between the past and the future. That each has his own way to pause to bring back the balance of spontaneity because life is never perfect, unplanned and indeed spontaneous.

The past is just a memory and the future is an illusion. So, no matter how busy and fast-paced life is, I think, we should pause. We should stop and to be just in the moment.

The event made me realize the pauses I had in the past few years and transition those pauses into the future.

Winning the battle isn’t really what is at stake but the moments when we pause to experience life.

Yeah! I think, that’s the reason why we write, to pause, to explore what’s inside us and to outwardly gravitate towards the world.

Movie: Can’t Help I’m Falling In Love

Girls paano ba kumalma?

Miss, steady.

Kung huling araw mo na sa mundo ano ba gusto mo ginagawa mo?

Kaw, ano pa ba inaantay mo? Sayang ang oras. Live life now. Drop the mic.

Bud, we’ve been together for 6 years.

Let’s make it legal. Are you willing to spend forever with me?

 

Legal nga talaga to, misis nga talaga kita.

 

Gusto mo pigain ko yang abdo mo?

Violence, I like.

 

Ma, pa akalain niyo, kinasal ako? Sayang di niyo siya nakilala. Ang galing nagkita kami ulit.

Mrs. Ko, wala man akong abs, ako pa rin ang pinakasalan mo.

So pano na tayo maghihiwalay?

 

Alam mo ba ano ang pinaka malaking psychological problem? Pag-ibig.

Ang daming baliw sa pag-ibig.

 

Paano naman ako Gab? Kailangan kong magtrabaho. May oras akong hinahabol.

Ikakamatay mo ba pag hindi ka kinasal sa boyfriend mo? Ako na magsasabi sayo. Hindi. Tsaka tignan mo yang itsura mo ang desperada mo.

Nagmahal ka na ba? Minahal ka na ba? If not, then I’m so sorry that you’ve never been loved that you’re so afraid to lose it.

 

Parang si Gab lang naman nagpapasakit ng ulo ko eh.

Ay talagang sakit sa ulo yang mga asawa.

 

Mahirap ang mahulog o mahirap ang umalis?

Yan ang kasal. Yan ang pag-aasawa. Mahirap.

Pipiliin mo pa rin ang wag mo siyang iwan

kasi….

Ako, kasi mahal ko mama two mo. I

kaw, bakit?

 

Nandito misis ko. Eh kaso maghihiwalay na rin kami, sana magbago isip niya.

Kaya naman pala sa lahat ng bagay siya ang nagdedesisyon para sayo.

Kasi ganun talga siya strong, stable.

Future. A lifetime together, forever.

Habang buhay.

Mahal niya eh, hindi na ko lalaban. Tsaka panghabang buhay yun di ko rin naman kayang bigay sa kanya yun.

So, pag ganyan, hindi ka pwedeng magkamali kahit kelan?

Grabeh noh, may mga tao pa pala na kagaya niya. Hindi madamot.

Limited edition. For a limited time only.

Mahal ang oras mo, I can’t take it for free.

Madaming church dito, pag nakita mo yung para sayo, sigurado mararamdaman mo.

Kung may kakagat man sayo sa ilalim, ako lang yun.

Ang importante, pagkatiwalaan mo ko. Do you trust me?

Sineryoso kasi nila masyado ang death do us part, kaya magkasunod silang umakyat ng langit.

Alam mo sa totoo lang, nakakatakot magmahal kasi sa pag-ibig hindi ka sigurado. Diba, nakakatakot ang bagay pag di ka sigurado?

Pero ng nakilala kita narealized ko mas nakakatakot pag pinili mo na hindi magmahal. Kasi sa totoo lang, hindi mo naman kailangan maging sigurado. Basta nandyan ka, okay na ko.

Makuha ka sa tingin, ito nakuha na.

Napakahirap Dos, sana sumugal kami.

Pag nagmahal ka, bawat minuto, bawat sandali mahalaga.

Mali toh eh.

Gab, pero ito yung totoo.

Love takes time.

Paano pag walang time?

Love makes time.

That one and only night I felt free.

That one night na totoo lang tayo sa nararamdaman natin.

Ikaw yung babaeng panghabangbuhay ko.

Pero hindi ako yung lalaking para sayo, dahil hindi ko kaya ibigay yung panghabang buhay na kailangan mo.

Pinatikim mo ko na may pag-asa. Pag natikman mo pala nakaka-adik umasa. For a moment, I was selfish. For a moment, I wanted more.

We can’t stay in a relationship because we are thankful.

You will never see me as an equal.