Feels

I had a dream.

I locked myself inside the bathroom.

I was scared of the monster running after me.

Then I woke up.

I am sad today.

I am doubtful.

I fear that the process I am in right now will lead to nothing.

I am paranoid of what others think of what I do.

I am anxious of how I feel about myself.

But

I carry on despite uncertainties.

I strive even if the other end seems unclear.

I still do what I am supposed to do.

So,

I pursue no matter what.

I will stay strong even if I have no ally.

I will thrive and make them see.

 

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Mom

I’m happy to see friends settling down and having their own families. I admire women who aren’t afraid to bear children and raise them. Coz, I’m afraid.

Am I afraid to be a mom? I don’t know. Probably, I just don’t see myself as one. Probably, I want to do other things. Probably, I want a different thing. Probably, I want a different path.

Some women feel the urgency to be a mom. That they see themselves incomplete without having one.

But can I be a mother in a different form? Can I be a mother to my students? I can be married to teaching? Can I find my worth through studying? 

They said that the essense of a woman is to bear a child, to be a mom. 

So, how about those who have hostile uterus? How about those who dedicated themselves to their career? How about those who married their passion? How about the old maids who weren’t given a chance to have one?

Are they women without value? Are they women without essence? 

WHY?

Do I have to prove ny worth as a woman? Does it make me less of a person not bearing a child?