Mom

I’m happy to see friends settling down and having their own families. I admire women who aren’t afraid to bear children and raise them. Coz, I’m afraid.

Am I afraid to be a mom? I don’t know. Probably, I just don’t see myself as one. Probably, I want to do other things. Probably, I want a different thing. Probably, I want a different path.

Some women feel the urgency to be a mom. That they see themselves incomplete without having one.

But can I be a mother in a different form? Can I be a mother to my students? I can be married to teaching? Can I find my worth through studying? 

They said that the essense of a woman is to bear a child, to be a mom. 

So, how about those who have hostile uterus? How about those who dedicated themselves to their career? How about those who married their passion? How about the old maids who weren’t given a chance to have one?

Are they women without value? Are they women without essence? 

WHY?

Do I have to prove ny worth as a woman? Does it make me less of a person not bearing a child?

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Career

I feel like I wasn’t able to maximize my potentials. 
I never want to blame anyone but parents do have a big role in one’s life specially when it comes to reaching one’s dreams. 
When I was in high school, I wanted to take up Psychology and become a teacher but during that time Nursing was a booming steppingstone to work abroad. So, my mom and other relatives got too excited for me to take the course hence I did.

Still, I have a heart for teaching. While taking up the course, I imagined myself as a clinical instructor or a lecturer without realizing that I must first be in the field to be able to teach. Something, I’m half-hearted to do.

“Is this what I really want?” I always asked myself at night.

During that time, there was a surplus of nurses in our country which I already expected to happen but didn’t follow my guts for I just want to follow my mom. 
So, I ended up like the others. I had different BPO jobs. I worked as a medical transcriptionist and as a customer service representative. I gained a few things, mostly friends. I also had the luxury to take some units to qualify as a secondary teacher which I did.
I am now a qualified Secondary Teacher in our country. Having a license in teaching, I ventured in a nontraditional way of teaching, online.
Firstly, at that time I want to know if I was still of becoming a psychology teacher but through my personal evaluation I decided not to pursue and focus on the field that in a way I was already enjoying.

I became an online English teacher to students of English as a foreign language. I have been in the industry for a few years now.

I am going to upgrade my credentials and be a qualified English Teacher. I’m scared because this time, it’s only I who decided for myself. Also, I’m not that young to experiment and to say at least I don’t have “what ifs.”

Now, I want to pursue what I really want. I still ended up in the field of education. Yes! I’m not a classroom based type teacher but  I want to learn and do more. 

Experience different cultures, academies and schools. Meet different perspectives and formulate ways to enhance myself of becoming the best teacher that I can be. It doesn’t mean to be the best among the others being a mediocre teacher but at my best is totally what I want.

I know there are a lot outthere who have the same battle. 

We always want to please the people around us because we never want them to be broken without realizing that it’s our lives. It’s your own life. Sometimes, making other hearts not suffer inflicts injuries on our own.

You will always have that eagerness to pursue what you really want in your life. The earlier you realize it the better.

I hope, everyone gets a chance to do what they want, to be successful and passionate in whatever they are doing because it’s their hearts’ desire.

I hope that I would be able to conquer whatever hindrances I have to endure and to maximize my potentials. 

Right now, I’ll work towards them. I’m scared but I would do it anyway.

Misunderstood

Sometimes, you feel angry to a friend who hurt you. Simply, you feel misunderstood. But would never want your friends to understand where you are coming from because if they do it only means that they have experienced the kind of pain that you never wish to happen to anyone.

You still want them to believe in ideal things, a bright future and undying love. That preparing for the said future keeps them going for they serve as a balance and remind you of your old self. That once in your life, you have been too anxious of the future.

As a friend, remind them that no one is in control and whatever plans they have for the future will not turn out perfectly as they planned.

There would always be twists in life. And by that time, wish them to see the gift of living in the now.

Planning is good but should not lead to anxiety. The illusive future is beautiful. But nothing beats how the present takes a breath away.

True, it’s not about the plans but how you enjoy the journey, the people as you reach towards the future that you are hoping for.

You don’t live in the future. Don’t let it control you.

Good Enough

Have you ever felt being left behind? In everything? Career? Personal life? Financially?

Have you ever felt that everyone is moving on with his life and here you are, left behind.

Are you really left behind?

They said, there’s a season.

When?

No one knows.

But today, what are you doing?

Are you doing something that might lead you to not be left behind?

Not by everyone but by the person in your head.

“Huli man daw at magaling, maihahabol din.”

If you feel like you’re not good enough then be good enough.

Be good enough until you convinced yourself that you are good enough.

Top 10 Things I Want to Do in The Next 3 Years

1. Be a beginner in learning a new language

I want to learn two languages, Korean and Japanese, because I want to work as a translator.

2. Advance English Skills

Get a diploma in English then a Master’s Degree. I already have a targeted school. I hope I’ll make it.

3. Travel Abroad

I want to go to Barcelona, Bali and Thailand.

4. Work Abroad

I hope to experience working as an ESL Teacher in Asian Countries.

5. Have a Lucrative Job in the Philippines

Becoming a translator will do a lot of trick but I don’t know if I would have the enthusiasm to learn a new language (and I think it takes years). Probably, I could study more and try to level up on the current field.

6. Write a book

Currently working on it and I’m out of words.

7. Save targeted amount of money each year

I hope the shopping malls will not hinder me from doing such. On a serious note, no emergency situations please.

8. Maintain a healthy lifestyle

I am glad that after losing almost 20kg, I become more familiar with healthy food. That it’s already second nature to choose what I eat.

9. Be familiar with a sports

I tried boxing and Muay Thai for fun. Anyway, it’s not about the fighting experience that I’m into but the cardio. Not yet sure if this would be the sports that I’ll be addicted to for 3 years.

10. Invest

Health is Wealth. Financially Dang!

Actually, most of the things written above are wishes. No goals set. But Yeah! I’ll try to start setting objectives though!

Just reminding myself that “A goal without plan is just a wish.”

A Pause in A Walk

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CBTL Brew Your Best Year x Art of Movement

People who have the same intent always find a way to get close together. I never attended any writing workshop and glad to have the first one with Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf.

The Brew Your Best Year in collaboration with Art of Movement was indeed a great experience. Getting to know new people who have the same passion while having a free coffee and snacks never happens always.

Below is an insight about the experience.

Why are we scared to lose the battle?

If you want it, go for it, even if it breaks you, even if it takes away your life. After all, it is the purpose of existence. It’s a powerful motivation that I keep on telling to myself without realizing that I also need to pause.

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Have you paused today? I have been running for a while now, grasping for air, then here comes the idea of walking.

Walking is associated in everything that we do. We are in a trance of interconnected kaleidoscope. Its’ intricacies of fragmented yet beautiful interconnections, as we maneuver the scope, make the connection vaguely clear. The only thing we could do is to adjust and to appreciate what we clearly see. We have to adjust in order to appreciate what’s in our hand.

Appreciation is a hard-to-define word nowadays for people tend to appreciate the things they don’t have, hence would do any type of maneuvering just to be satisfied with whatever they have. No one is content and no one is perfectly grateful because perfection is boredom.

So we failed to appreciate how perfectly the interconnected intricacies are put together. We failed to see how beautiful life is. We failed to notice the realistic present for we are too excited for the idealism of the future. That we failed to walk today. That we think we should run for we have to finish the marathon faster than the others but it’s exhausting, emotionally draining and spiritually heartbreaking.

Why do we run if all we really need is to walk, to just enjoy the movement of the environment? Why do we have to exhaust ourselves if what we really need is to just breathe?

Today, walking acts as a symbolism of pause. It reminds me that the present serves as an arbiter between the past and the future. That each has his own way to pause to bring back the balance of spontaneity because life is never perfect, unplanned and indeed spontaneous.

The past is just a memory and the future is an illusion. So, no matter how busy and fast-paced life is, I think, we should pause. We should stop and to be just in the moment.

The event made me realize the pauses I had in the past few years and transition those pauses into the future.

Winning the battle isn’t really what is at stake but the moments when we pause to experience life.

Yeah! I think, that’s the reason why we write, to pause, to explore what’s inside us and to outwardly gravitate towards the world.

Phenomenon

People should learn how to detach themselves from anything that pained them. The process is difficult but learning how to be detached from surreal ideas keeps a person not away from pain but to handle the feeling well. It helps a person to channel his energy into something productive. Once you are focused doing things for yourself, it might be a new hobby, a more challenging task at work or simply getting involve on things which you find interesting is a good way to start, you’ll tend to appreciate the phase that you are in right now.

FOCUS IN THE NOW. Listen to people’s ideas, drop the unhelpful thoughts and absorb and reflect on the helpful ones.

Be true to yourself, you are in pain. It hurts so bad because you have no control over it. You can’t change the situation and the only thing you can do is to face the reality that things are not happening the way you want it.  That no matter how much efforts you give, it seems that it would never be enough to get what you want.

Nothing is wrong with you. It’s how you perceive things and your stubbornness that are wrong. Listen, you cannot change a person’s feelings towards you. You can never dictate a person to feel what you want him to feel. And thinking about it all day long is not the right way of handling the process.

LET GO.   You must let it go. Stay focused in the now. Exactly at this very moment, think of what you can do. Exercise? Read a book? Meet a friend? Spend time with yourself? Set goals? Just think of the now, not about tomorrow, not about the future, not about regrets from the past. Inhale. Focus on what you are doing. Don’t think of what might go wrong. Don’t think of not having your heart’s desires.

LET LIFE DO ITS THING. Phenomenon happens for certain reasons. Series of events, human made or not but it does happen in an instance surprisingly without any delay. It shatters life. Catastrophically, changes our plans. Everyone’s life is a series of phenomena, abrupt, life threatening, earth shocking and catastrophic. But phenomena are interesting. It could be tested without even knowing the result of several hypotheses. That propositions can be like people. Some will be solidified through experimentation and some will be nullified, some would stay because we are still curious as to how they affect the phenomena. We postulate hypotheses; we theorize until one’s curiosity is satisfied.

Our feelings, how we associate love to people, how we curiously observe the details, how we cling onto our subjective hypotheses without scientific basis, without being tested, without statistical support will reach a conclusion but now just be in the process…