Binusted ako ng Bestfriend Ko!

Ang saklap pala ma-busted. Masaklap na nakakatawa. Minsan yung katapangan ko kinakainisan ko to eh. Kasi di ko kayang pigilan na huwag ipahayag yung nararamdaman ko.

Ganito kasi yun, may friend ako sobrang tagal ko ng kaibigan, mga more than a decade na. Ever since sobrang sweet namin sa isa’t-isa. May mga oras na dine-deny ko na may malisya, minsan pangkaibang messages at texts lang talaga. May mga panahon din na eh siyempre binibigyan ko ng malisya eh type ko eh. Kaso nganga pala ko.

Anyway, dati naman may feelings yun sa akin eh feeling maganda ko so binalewa ko lang siya kasi wala eh natakot akong i-nourish yung feelings ko for him.  Bakit? Ako kasi yung tipo ng tao na kapag illogical at di maintinidhan, I drop it. Dati yun nung bata pa ko. Sabi ko bakit ako natutuwa sa kanya, bakit parang sobrang saya ko pag kasama siya? Bakit kahit puyat na puyat na ko, kakausapin ko siya pag may problema siya? Bakit masaya ko pag nakikita ko siya?

Love pala yun. Ano bang malay ko?

Ngayong tumanda na ko naiintindihan ko na. Hindi na ko napakali. Bawat ka sweetan niya may malisya na. Bawat text, bawat yakap, bawat pagkikita, lahat bigla ko ng nilagyan ng madaming kalandian at malisya.

Kaso huli na pala lahat. Siguro yung dati niyang pagtingin wala na talaga eh. Naubos na. Medyo engot din kasi ko, sinabihan ko siya na mag move on sa akin dati. Sana di ko pala yun sinabi eh di nagkachance pa ko.

Sa palagay ko, ginawa ko naman na talaga ang lahat. Hindi ko yun ikakahiya. Eh ano naman? I just expressed what I feel. Hindi yun masama. Ang masama siguro eh yung sabihin mo yung nararamdaman mo at magalit ka sa tao na di siya ganun sayo.

Yang love na yan, putang-ina yan, ang complicated. Di mo mapipilit. Wrong timing minsan. Pero di na yun mahalaga. Importante eh naramdaman mo yung love..love na yan. At least alam mo na di ka manhid. At higit sa lahat naparamdam at naipahatid mo ang feelings mo, wala ka ng what if, wala ka ng i-hold back.

Yun kasi ang nagpapasakit sa tao, yung maging tameme ka na lang at wag sabihin sa tao kasi gusto mo na umasa forever. Eh kaso walang forever, mabuti ng sabihin mo kaysa bukas mamamatay ka na pala di mo man lang nasabi sa tao, eh di mumultuhin mo pa, kawawa naman. Huwag kang matakot marinig ang sagot. Akala mo lang kasi na masakit pero pag narinig mo na pagtatawanan mo na lang sarili mo sa bandang huli.

Mahirap gawin pero iyon talaga ang tama. Huwag ka umasa. Magmahal ka lang.

Sabi ko nga libre naman magmahal. Swerte ka na lang kung mahal ka rin ng taong mahal mo.

Ayos na rin naman ako. Ramdam ko naman na may pakialam siya, hindi man sa paraan na gusto ko at least sa paraang alam niya. 🙂

No Holding Back

I had the courage to finally say what I feel for a guy. I’ve been telling him for the past few months how I love him for the past few years but it seems to me that everything I’ve said didn’t sink in his mind.

Probably he thought, it was just too simple that can easily get out of my system. Last week, finally I told him the whole story and my real feelings that I have been keeping for so long. I kept it because I was too coward to face the reality that I might feel upset and devasted if I’ll be rejected.

He was shocked with what I’ve said. I got no response. The funny thing is, I felt sad. But as reality already proved that it’s not going somewhere, I realized that fear is just in the mind.

All the sweet messages, memories and moments just led me to illusive dreams and wishful thinking. Yeah! Crazy but I love that guy for more than a decade. It’s just that I didn’t nourish the feeling for an unreciprocated love is never easy to handle.

What I’ve learned?

Be bold. Never be afraid to say whatever you feel no matter what the consequences are. Even if you’re afraid that the answer might not be in your favor there will be a sense of relief. Being relieved is better than holding onto something that would lead nowhere.

The idea of hearing what we don’t want to hear takes away courage. Just say the things that you want to say. Rejection is not a bad thing at all being coward is!

What I realized?

A friend told me that it’s mind over matter. Most of the time our minds want to take control, even of things we can’t control. That’s where things screw up.

I’m happy with the kind of relationship that I have with him. Nowadays, I’ve been facing a lot of difficulties and in a way, he has always been there for me and probably I have been too comfortable with his kindness . I also realized that I can handle things on my own. I should just be thankful that there’s someone like him who is very willing to give some of his time for me. That’s enough.